Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!

I don't even know what this one means...maybe eating too late...

As I search for a room in a community college-ish campus I stumble upon the right room and see a friend who taught me Transcendental Meditation, only she was dressed in Beverly Hills chic Haute couture, think Diane Von Furstenberg.  Her hair was short, a la Linda Evangelista.  But she's sad, sullen.  She's projecting a blank stare and answers my questions with vague hard wired prefabricated answers.  (Oddly enough, her father passed away today and I imagine she's going through "it".  We exchange a few words and I leave in search of something again.

I run into Lady Gaga in the campus quad and she's glamorous.  Platinum blonde hair slicked back under a light blue sequined diamond shaped tea hat with birdcage netting.  We partner dance together through a series of locations...clubs, ballroom, the sky.  Lots of dramatic neck snapping while she sings and I play the part of a blank dance partner.  Then I leave without a word at the end of the song.

Now I'm in my old room upstairs gawking out of the window as a bear meanders down the street.  We change venues and now I'm extremely nervous because now me and the bear are staring at each other across a section of produce.  He approaches me and I tell him that he's making me nervous, that I'm scared.  His response?  Hand gestures in American Sign Language that he's sorry.  I relax, tell him it's okay, and I'm off again.

I end up in a seedy 70's apartment living room with a black man wearing dress slacks, dress shoes and a wife-beater tank.  The doo is a little square, high, wide, flat, clean.  He's smoking a cigarette as he irons his shirt .  He lowers his chin towards his chest then gives me a sideways glance.  His face is hard and screwed up as the cigarette smoke wafts upwards.  He nods towards the door and I exit knowing that that's the way to find what I'm looking for.

An Asian couple see me walking towards an exit, maybe a staircase and tell me that the right way is on the other side of the hall.  No doors, no windows, just a cut out in the wall with plastic tubing, maybe the width of a water heater.  After demonstrating how to travel via said tube, I cram myself in it and just like a pneumatic tube, I take off.  Once in the tube, the velocity reduces enough so that I may see every level I pass.  Different levels with people, different rooms as if I'm traveling via Willy Wonka's great glass elevator.  That's about all I can recall.

I have to say dancing with Gaga was pretty awesome.

Love Unrequite

It's been awhile since I've felt giggly and in love lol.  I'm the only one who knows it though.  So the dream picks up on, or is reminiscent to, past moments of young love.  When you anticipate each other's every moment and both reciprocate feelings of friendship, endearment, love....desire.  

I'm laying in bed, waiting for the sandman to put me to sleep because I know I can't fall asleep on my own.  You're near and I know we're going to share the bed because there's nowhere for you to sleep and as "friends", what harm could come out of it.  I know in my heart that you don't feel the same way I do so I am satisfied to call you my friend.  I even tell myself that I love you "like a brother" to keep, no, stop my heart from falling more in love with you.  

You come to the bed and undress enough to be comfortable and lay down.  Funny thing though is as much as I want to reach out and hold you (though I dare not jeopardize what we already have), I don't.  I am constantly calming my body down and taking deep breaths to calm myself down so that I seem as nonchalant as possible.  Butterflies are filling my body and I'm giddy.  I have this ridiculous smile that I can't wipe off my face because I feel the heat of your nearness.

I finally succumb to sleep and close my eyes only to feel your body shift.  you place your right hand on  my stomach and just leave it there.

The tension breaks, you maneuver me towards you and just hold me, body to body, face to face. 

Then, the kiss.  I haven't felt (It felt so real, even though it was a dream.) that much passion in so long that I just allowed myself to relish that kiss, savor life.  We just continue to kiss, smile, and roll around.  What a freedom to allow myself to love you completely knowing that all this time you'd felt the same way.

4:30 a.m.  the alarm.  The End. Bah.  lol

A kiss

We were sitting on uneven levels of wall.  You were slightly lower than me.  I turned to my right and placed my hand gently and caring on your neck while stroking your cheek with my thumb assuring you that whatever anxiety you were feeling could be overcome with just a touch.  I have slight feelings for you but think I'm just attracted to your character.  You take care of your kids in spite of hardship, and have a personality (funny) that clicks with mine.  So as I'm caressing your face, I feel like it's an excuse to touch you, even in the most delicate manner.  

Then someone trips and pushes me into you.  I get a little embarrassed and fix myself.  I get up to pull myself together to keep the whole ordeal innocent, but you come closer to me.  We meet face to face and stop but only millimeters wondering if this is right.  Time stands still as we stand close enough to feel the heat of each other's breath.

And then, 

the kiss.

The self restraint was so intense that every delicate peck felt like explosions.  Subdued power.  We proceed to trade top lip for bottom and bottom for top, slowly sucking each other's lips.  


At some point we stop and decide that we can't tell anyone.  And towards the end of the dream we're walking side by side while embracing hips.


that was nice.

Meltdown

So I woke up terrified the other day. 

Me, Ollie, Kat and someone else were in the car.  There is a stretch of freeway where the I-5 North transitions into the 118 West and it rises and arches curving to the left heading west.  As we're trekking along I'm in the usual act of staring at the (familiar) skyline as we're turning.  I see a building similar to the Empire State Building.  

An unsettling feeling sinks in as horror initiates and that weird "feeling" of "something wicked this way comes" manifests.   The sky and atmosphere are a smoggy orange and it seems to be about 75 degrees (So Cal weather, right)  

The earth begins to groan and within seconds I see an explosion of lava, fire, and brimstone swell up and shoot upwards and outwards through this building.  The building literally disintegrates, crumbles, and explodes in all directions, and like a domino effect, the adjacent buildings, one-by-one, follow suit.  I'm partially aware that this is a dream so I continue to watch along the horizon as disaster gets worse and worse rather than ducking my head, closing my eyes, and praying for strength to endure the next few moments.  

I feel like this is it, this is the end and I'm with my brother and his wife.  I'm happy to be with them, but know that this is it, we're all going to die, I'll never be able to say my goodbyes and "I love yous" to my mom and other loved ones, but I'm ready to go through it, impending doom.  Nothing you can do or say will stop what is happening.  


I could be watching too much t.v., not sleeping enough, and eating too much spicy food....who knows?


And as curious as I was to see the continued destruction, I was halted by my sister-in-law's cell phone alarm.


What a way to wake up.  Is God trying to tell me something???

The hot mess

The degree in "strangeness" in my dreams differs depending on what I eat, how little I sleep, whether or not I  had consumed alcoholic beverages, and what kind of spicy food I had eaten that day,  There's a staple of "heat" in my diet.


I work for a hospital so that's where the dream begins.  This one involved a group of guys from the same circle of friends and some random figures that my mind decided to toss in.


I was hanging out at the nursing station with a friend (in my wheelchair) when I noticed my friend, AM, show up in some God awful bright red 90's button up dress shirt and a matching outdated haircut.  I overhear him talk about who he's looking for and I get giddy thinking about how I'm going to surprise him when he notices I'm there.  We infrequently see eachother so it's a good surprise.  I hear intermittent words and figure out that he's visiting a mutual friend, JJ.  Before I know it JJ is behind me, trying to get my attention for a "Hey", "I'm over here", "What's up".  I can be slow sometimes, but I finally turn around and see him and think that he's way skinnier than I had remembered him.  Now I'm standing and turning to hug him and now it's a big hug fest for all of us, then another mutual friend pops up, PC and maneuvers his way like a little snake through the group to hug me.  But it's weird. 


PC approached me with a straight face and hugged me intimately.  I mean he walked toward me with intent, stretched out his arms and thrust them under mine and upon embrace buried his face into my neck.  As if he loved me intimately.  We were hanging out and I lost a shoe at some point and someone was tickling my foot.  I succumbed to the sensation and was going crazy, laughing because I couldn't make them stop tickling my feet.  (muscle memory???)  Before I know it I'm sitting in a booth, like a restaurant booth, and PC is leaned over behind me and kissing my right hip and I realize that he's giving me a hickey (OMG, hickey's are so jr. high! lol) Out of awkwardness, not knowing what to do or say, I get up and tell them I'll be right back and end up going to a restroom, a tiny tiny stall of a restroom.  I feel soooooo drunk, like "6 shots of tequila on an empty stomach" drunk.  I stumble into the stall and close the stall door which is more like a mini door fashioned with marbled lime stone and plop down on the toilet. 


I feel as if the people walking by are staring at me and I ask them what they're looking at and angrily draw some paper shower curtains that are hung like toilet paper to get some privacy.  Someone then makes a fart noise with their mouth which gets me really upset and embarassed because I'm not hiding anything, I'm simply using the bano!  It keeps getting ridiculous.  Now I'm squatting in a sink and am confused as to what's going on.  People are prodding me and bothering me and I'm twisting to avoid their touches and before I know it there's like a green pea soup  on the tails of my shirt.  So I start looking for a detachable sink head and now I realize I'm in a sink/shower.  (Oh, I don't know where this comes from)  I begin to rinse my clothing off when I notice a young hip white guy with a great tan who worked at whatever establishment I was at at that point of the dream. 


He looks familiar and I realize that I had been in a similar predicament before and I tell him, "Yeah, it's me again".  I know that no matter how hard I try that there was no explaining why I was in the sink again causing trouble, so I don't even try.  I shrug my shoulders, while throwing up my hands in surrender and give him the "Waddaya gonna do?" face. lol.


As the dream winds down, a bunch of kids line up in front of the sink.  I'm clothed, but sopping wet and some kids are playing with my legs.  Then finito, that's it.


I gotta lay off the spice.

*A*

I saw that you'd fallen off of your bike.  I am able bodied and am unsure if you need help getting back into your adapted bike.  You're face down and look frusterated, but I have so much love for you that I let you do it on your own so as to not wound your pride.  We're not married and yet a woman approaches us and says, "How do you do it?".  I reply, "How do I do what?".  She says, "I'm away from my husband who's also disabled and can't bear to be without him.".  I let her know that we take it one day at a time.

She assumed that we were married and I let her.  You get this strange look on your face as if to say, "Are you crazy?" or "Wow, you wouldn't mind being married to me?".  And I'm thinking, "duh, of course not, I love you.".

This is about someone I actually have feelings for (post accident).  This is the first person that has shown interest in me, but I need to have a clear head so I don't blur the lines of friendship and attraction.  I don't want any misunderstandings on my part so I'm pretty tight lipped about the way I feel about him.  Maybe we should go out a few times. :)

Vanessa's Wedding 11/28/2009

I recently had a discussion with a friend about marriage.  We have an ongoing joke that we (me & two of my girlfriends) would be single for a loooooooong time for a plethora of reasons.  Most of them having to do with our strong, out-of-control independence.  Is it really a turn off to know what you want? lol.

A few days later I dream about Vanessa's wedding.  There's no signage or traditional setting, just an understanding of what's going on.

We're in a large decadent mall with wide spacious corridors with a white and gold color scheme.  Everything was shiny and festive and celebratory, in a slow motion blurry surreal way.  It's the way Vanessa's smile would manifest itself if you could decorate according to her feelings.  There was no groom in sight, but we knew there would be a show.  It started off with a fashion show which was more art than fashion.  All white with burnt orange & gold tones highlighting shapes within each piece.  Some included babies and young children.  I see the beginning of a parade just around the corner and am filled with anticipation as it turns the corner.  The people keep laughing and cheering, the sparkling air keeps sparkling.

One of the last things I see is Vanessa as she joyously skips by.  She turns her head to look in different directions, hair trailing in slow motion behind her.  She's got a huge smile and of course, she's got her bangles.