Love Unrequite

It's been awhile since I've felt giggly and in love lol.  I'm the only one who knows it though.  So the dream picks up on, or is reminiscent to, past moments of young love.  When you anticipate each other's every moment and both reciprocate feelings of friendship, endearment, love....desire.  

I'm laying in bed, waiting for the sandman to put me to sleep because I know I can't fall asleep on my own.  You're near and I know we're going to share the bed because there's nowhere for you to sleep and as "friends", what harm could come out of it.  I know in my heart that you don't feel the same way I do so I am satisfied to call you my friend.  I even tell myself that I love you "like a brother" to keep, no, stop my heart from falling more in love with you.  

You come to the bed and undress enough to be comfortable and lay down.  Funny thing though is as much as I want to reach out and hold you (though I dare not jeopardize what we already have), I don't.  I am constantly calming my body down and taking deep breaths to calm myself down so that I seem as nonchalant as possible.  Butterflies are filling my body and I'm giddy.  I have this ridiculous smile that I can't wipe off my face because I feel the heat of your nearness.

I finally succumb to sleep and close my eyes only to feel your body shift.  you place your right hand on  my stomach and just leave it there.

The tension breaks, you maneuver me towards you and just hold me, body to body, face to face. 

Then, the kiss.  I haven't felt (It felt so real, even though it was a dream.) that much passion in so long that I just allowed myself to relish that kiss, savor life.  We just continue to kiss, smile, and roll around.  What a freedom to allow myself to love you completely knowing that all this time you'd felt the same way.

4:30 a.m.  the alarm.  The End. Bah.  lol

A kiss

We were sitting on uneven levels of wall.  You were slightly lower than me.  I turned to my right and placed my hand gently and caring on your neck while stroking your cheek with my thumb assuring you that whatever anxiety you were feeling could be overcome with just a touch.  I have slight feelings for you but think I'm just attracted to your character.  You take care of your kids in spite of hardship, and have a personality (funny) that clicks with mine.  So as I'm caressing your face, I feel like it's an excuse to touch you, even in the most delicate manner.  

Then someone trips and pushes me into you.  I get a little embarrassed and fix myself.  I get up to pull myself together to keep the whole ordeal innocent, but you come closer to me.  We meet face to face and stop but only millimeters wondering if this is right.  Time stands still as we stand close enough to feel the heat of each other's breath.

And then, 

the kiss.

The self restraint was so intense that every delicate peck felt like explosions.  Subdued power.  We proceed to trade top lip for bottom and bottom for top, slowly sucking each other's lips.  


At some point we stop and decide that we can't tell anyone.  And towards the end of the dream we're walking side by side while embracing hips.


that was nice.

Meltdown

So I woke up terrified the other day. 

Me, Ollie, Kat and someone else were in the car.  There is a stretch of freeway where the I-5 North transitions into the 118 West and it rises and arches curving to the left heading west.  As we're trekking along I'm in the usual act of staring at the (familiar) skyline as we're turning.  I see a building similar to the Empire State Building.  

An unsettling feeling sinks in as horror initiates and that weird "feeling" of "something wicked this way comes" manifests.   The sky and atmosphere are a smoggy orange and it seems to be about 75 degrees (So Cal weather, right)  

The earth begins to groan and within seconds I see an explosion of lava, fire, and brimstone swell up and shoot upwards and outwards through this building.  The building literally disintegrates, crumbles, and explodes in all directions, and like a domino effect, the adjacent buildings, one-by-one, follow suit.  I'm partially aware that this is a dream so I continue to watch along the horizon as disaster gets worse and worse rather than ducking my head, closing my eyes, and praying for strength to endure the next few moments.  

I feel like this is it, this is the end and I'm with my brother and his wife.  I'm happy to be with them, but know that this is it, we're all going to die, I'll never be able to say my goodbyes and "I love yous" to my mom and other loved ones, but I'm ready to go through it, impending doom.  Nothing you can do or say will stop what is happening.  


I could be watching too much t.v., not sleeping enough, and eating too much spicy food....who knows?


And as curious as I was to see the continued destruction, I was halted by my sister-in-law's cell phone alarm.


What a way to wake up.  Is God trying to tell me something???

The hot mess

The degree in "strangeness" in my dreams differs depending on what I eat, how little I sleep, whether or not I  had consumed alcoholic beverages, and what kind of spicy food I had eaten that day,  There's a staple of "heat" in my diet.


I work for a hospital so that's where the dream begins.  This one involved a group of guys from the same circle of friends and some random figures that my mind decided to toss in.


I was hanging out at the nursing station with a friend (in my wheelchair) when I noticed my friend, AM, show up in some God awful bright red 90's button up dress shirt and a matching outdated haircut.  I overhear him talk about who he's looking for and I get giddy thinking about how I'm going to surprise him when he notices I'm there.  We infrequently see eachother so it's a good surprise.  I hear intermittent words and figure out that he's visiting a mutual friend, JJ.  Before I know it JJ is behind me, trying to get my attention for a "Hey", "I'm over here", "What's up".  I can be slow sometimes, but I finally turn around and see him and think that he's way skinnier than I had remembered him.  Now I'm standing and turning to hug him and now it's a big hug fest for all of us, then another mutual friend pops up, PC and maneuvers his way like a little snake through the group to hug me.  But it's weird. 


PC approached me with a straight face and hugged me intimately.  I mean he walked toward me with intent, stretched out his arms and thrust them under mine and upon embrace buried his face into my neck.  As if he loved me intimately.  We were hanging out and I lost a shoe at some point and someone was tickling my foot.  I succumbed to the sensation and was going crazy, laughing because I couldn't make them stop tickling my feet.  (muscle memory???)  Before I know it I'm sitting in a booth, like a restaurant booth, and PC is leaned over behind me and kissing my right hip and I realize that he's giving me a hickey (OMG, hickey's are so jr. high! lol) Out of awkwardness, not knowing what to do or say, I get up and tell them I'll be right back and end up going to a restroom, a tiny tiny stall of a restroom.  I feel soooooo drunk, like "6 shots of tequila on an empty stomach" drunk.  I stumble into the stall and close the stall door which is more like a mini door fashioned with marbled lime stone and plop down on the toilet. 


I feel as if the people walking by are staring at me and I ask them what they're looking at and angrily draw some paper shower curtains that are hung like toilet paper to get some privacy.  Someone then makes a fart noise with their mouth which gets me really upset and embarassed because I'm not hiding anything, I'm simply using the bano!  It keeps getting ridiculous.  Now I'm squatting in a sink and am confused as to what's going on.  People are prodding me and bothering me and I'm twisting to avoid their touches and before I know it there's like a green pea soup  on the tails of my shirt.  So I start looking for a detachable sink head and now I realize I'm in a sink/shower.  (Oh, I don't know where this comes from)  I begin to rinse my clothing off when I notice a young hip white guy with a great tan who worked at whatever establishment I was at at that point of the dream. 


He looks familiar and I realize that I had been in a similar predicament before and I tell him, "Yeah, it's me again".  I know that no matter how hard I try that there was no explaining why I was in the sink again causing trouble, so I don't even try.  I shrug my shoulders, while throwing up my hands in surrender and give him the "Waddaya gonna do?" face. lol.


As the dream winds down, a bunch of kids line up in front of the sink.  I'm clothed, but sopping wet and some kids are playing with my legs.  Then finito, that's it.


I gotta lay off the spice.

*A*

I saw that you'd fallen off of your bike.  I am able bodied and am unsure if you need help getting back into your adapted bike.  You're face down and look frusterated, but I have so much love for you that I let you do it on your own so as to not wound your pride.  We're not married and yet a woman approaches us and says, "How do you do it?".  I reply, "How do I do what?".  She says, "I'm away from my husband who's also disabled and can't bear to be without him.".  I let her know that we take it one day at a time.

She assumed that we were married and I let her.  You get this strange look on your face as if to say, "Are you crazy?" or "Wow, you wouldn't mind being married to me?".  And I'm thinking, "duh, of course not, I love you.".

This is about someone I actually have feelings for (post accident).  This is the first person that has shown interest in me, but I need to have a clear head so I don't blur the lines of friendship and attraction.  I don't want any misunderstandings on my part so I'm pretty tight lipped about the way I feel about him.  Maybe we should go out a few times. :)

Vanessa's Wedding 11/28/2009

I recently had a discussion with a friend about marriage.  We have an ongoing joke that we (me & two of my girlfriends) would be single for a loooooooong time for a plethora of reasons.  Most of them having to do with our strong, out-of-control independence.  Is it really a turn off to know what you want? lol.

A few days later I dream about Vanessa's wedding.  There's no signage or traditional setting, just an understanding of what's going on.

We're in a large decadent mall with wide spacious corridors with a white and gold color scheme.  Everything was shiny and festive and celebratory, in a slow motion blurry surreal way.  It's the way Vanessa's smile would manifest itself if you could decorate according to her feelings.  There was no groom in sight, but we knew there would be a show.  It started off with a fashion show which was more art than fashion.  All white with burnt orange & gold tones highlighting shapes within each piece.  Some included babies and young children.  I see the beginning of a parade just around the corner and am filled with anticipation as it turns the corner.  The people keep laughing and cheering, the sparkling air keeps sparkling.

One of the last things I see is Vanessa as she joyously skips by.  She turns her head to look in different directions, hair trailing in slow motion behind her.  She's got a huge smile and of course, she's got her bangles.

Hopeful Dreams 11/27/2009

As I perused through FB, I saw a picture of Susan S. (the rev. :) ) and I remembered a dream from several nights ago.

I'm in a 4 door sedan with someone I don't know and every time the frame/point of view changes while driving it feels as if me and this person alternate as drivers.  We're on my brain's version of the 5 fwy heading downtown on a cold foggy night, maybe around 8 p.m. on a fall night.  Now I'm in the backseat surveying points of interest to see where I am and then the view is focused on my feet.  They start to twitch, followed by a slow movement of my legs.  

I'm excited and try to get out of the car in order to stand up and test out the girls.  The person I'm with now is Cecilia G.  and she asks me if I'd like to drive back.  With a fear of muscle spasms, I decline and get back in the car.  There's a bag of something we have to throw out but it's only allowed to be thrown out in a designated location.

The car is on cruise control but it's connected to a navigation system so it actually drives itself.  We come to a familiar dumping area but you have to drive in to the correct location and I roll my window down and proceed to hurl this bag over a 10 ft-high green-lined chain link fence.  In order to exit we can only drive forward to follow the path as it is the only way to exit.

Once we arrive at the exit, we are prevented from exiting.   It's dark and there are bright flood lights shining towards us making it impossible to see what's ahead.  Once I get out, I see Susan S. standing there with a blouse and dress skirt with huge "a ha" smile plastered across her face.  An overwhelming feeling of excitement surges up from my gut and I get out to tell her what happened.  Joyful tears are streaming down my face as I'm describing to her what had happened to me, and she says, "I know".  "We knew you'd be healed".  The surroundings become more clear and I find out that it's a surprise gathering/party in the most remote location being held to celebrate my healing.  And I'm walking......